Bitter Sweet Symphonies

2009-07-16T09:49:00.000+08:00

me is shifting to livejournal. there isnt really any reason to this, it's just like why sometimes we just want to switch from m1 to singtel.

http://bitzandpiecez.livejournal.com

2009-07-15T11:32:00.003+08:00

sigh. i don't know what the shit i am busy with these days. why do i feel that i have not enough time. so little time, so many things to do. friends, family, boyfriend, work. how come i never felt the stress when i was mugging like a mad woman for a levels? it's the same as it is now wad. weekdays school/work, weekends mugging/outings. i guess my parents are more understandable with me mugging than going out (quote "running around outside when there is h1n1" ._.)

so my schedule is packed. cant quit, cant take leave, mc also must present. sigh. it's worse than school, where i can pon. not that i do la. geez. and nobody understands. and once i end work, orientation starts. dammit. no time to rest at all before all the mugging la. but honestly, i prefer mugging to this workshit. i should have stuck with my early exit.

pfft.

on to the good stuff. last weekend was packed with activities.

sat: tuition, driving, town with dancers to support rv and wanglao

Night fest was suppsoed to be cool, felt like ballet under the stars. except that it started pouring! geez. everybody took shelter and started shopping in the stalls set up by the blogshops. saw a few familiar blogshops like MillyWalker. some nice basic tees, and dresses.

Speaking of basic tees! i bought a lot a lot of tee shirts leh. my mum was like nagging already. i bought 3 in a week. $34 in all. and one of them cost $4. the other 2 was a rash decision. sigh. i splurge. :(

Sun: dance, korean, tito outing

it was a NDN outing (nua dinner nua) cos there was nth we wanted to do or could do. initial plan was to sing k, but i dunno why we ended up nua-ing on the rooftop of esplanade.

some photos..

dinner at pasta de waraku..

on esplanade rooftop...

tito gals (kw & wilson inculsive haha)

mon: impromptu day off due to staff retreat. its a NSCN outing with boyfriend. haha. NSCN = nua-swim-cook-nua

ok, it started out with nua-ing because i went to his house with the initial plan to prepare for a picnic at marina barrage. but because we or rather, I, felt lazy to picnic. we decided to go for a swim! so we decided on jurong west swimming complex. after nua-ing watching 1 epi of boys over flowers. oops. and camwhoring.

we went jurong west swimming complex. not comparable to jurong east though.. but it was convenient. and i had fun playing the slide and the lazy river. the jacuzzi was so power that i never manage to sit in front of it for more than a second, cos it will push me away. see i am light! and not fat! haha. then we attempted to slide the children's playground but got PEE! at by the life guard. haha. so embarrassing. after a few laps, we showered and camwhore some more. then decide whether to cook or lunch at benten.

jurong west aquatic centre

we decided to cook eventually, and went grocery shopping. menu for the day was simple: pasta, soup, and bakerzin cake! yumm.

so we were cooking...

and cooking..

the main course.. i cooked the sauce and noodles, he opened cans. hahaha.

him with main course

dessert!

then we had to wash up.. if not his mum will kill us.

to end the day.. with a nice photo...

actually it wasnt really the end la.. i continued watching BOF with his mum. while he fell asleep. haha.

i did enjoy myself. :D

then its back to work. :((

ok.. i wanted to upload more phtoos but i am lazy.

looking forward to cycling with the esf this sat! whee!

2009-07-08T09:35:00.003+08:00

today is our 11th month together. as such, i shall be nice and dedicate a post to my boyfriend, whose appearance into this blog is rather rare because it is supposed to be low profile.

the past 11 months had happy, sad, angry all in it. haha. but the past week was the most turbulent. i'm sorry if i have neglected you because of foc. and after that, when i am busy making new friends. but it's all part and parcel of life, that you will never be the only friend i have, but one of those i deeply cherish. so my dear boy, please do not feel left out of my activities.

i'm really grateful for the things that you've done for me. waiting till 4am just to hear my voice, sending me here and there even though your house is literally miles away. a lot of ppl will say you are crazy, to send me home from jp when your home is just a road away. and putting up with my complaints and cab fares whenever i have to rush. =x i think your pay is never enough to spare after being tgt with me. =x

although we may not have done many exciting things. but i really enjoy snuggling up next to you watching tv, eating haojian at 9pm (god all my fats are thanks to u) with u and ur family, window shopping. and the occasional trip to the cinema.and to do exciting things like going to the theme park. which is not very exciting. -.-

haha. not forgetting how u used to come all the way to study with me, during the a level days. and how u will stay up till i finish mugging just to tell me "good luck!" for the next paper. for someone who sleeps like a log like you i think that's a feat. :) although u are more of a hindrance than help cos u distract me, but i like the company, because i hate studying alone and i cant study at home. and there's always food whenever u come! i think buddy hoagies have lots of your money. if there is a restuarant that we have to go to one day, i will choose buddy hoagies. though its run down, and not so famous, it's where a lot of our memories are kept.

i remember the first time we held hands.. which was totally accidental, u were holding my wallet. omg. -.- haha. and how awkward it was initially, till we gradually became used to each other's presence. how we spent both our first birthdays. :)

there are so so so many more things that i want to do with you..and i hope we will.. :) i didnt like to talk about u on my blog/openly admit in facebook because i felt that our relationship should be something that is between just the both of us. i dont see the need for publicity. but i guess my reluctance has brought some insecurities, and i apologise for that. =/ i am willing to accomodate you, because i noe u have always been accomodating me.

and so.. thanks for all the times that we had.. and the tlc u gave. :)

Happy 11th month. :D with lots of love

2009-07-06T10:18:00.000+08:00

back from camp. actually 2 days ago. but i was way too shagged to blog. haha. now i am back at work. :(

okie. camp was fun. met new friends. fun activities. basically the whole five days can be summed up with these words: thrill, exhaustion, fun, water, sun, sea, games, friendship, nueve, tito!

frankly speaking, i enjoyed sentosa the most. haha. fright night scared me senseless. i'm grateful to the guys in my group who helped me through the whole activity. pretty embarrassing to break down even though i knew they were just seniors. and amazing race was like chong sua.. initiation night was stinky wet and sticky. but all in all, going through all those with these new friends, i think it's still quite enjoyable. there are times when exhaustion makes u unable to open your eyes at all, but once the cheering starts, everyone is suddenly so awake.

that's all for scbe foc. haha. it's making me think twice about going for hall foc. lol.

spent most of the weekends sleeping away, waking up only for meals and going to jurong point to have dinner with jh and his family. yup. that's about all i guess. till then. :D

btw, any one has the usb cable for lg phone? i lost mine and i cant upload my phone photos. :(

2009-06-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

well. i am not sure if i am weird. but i cant believe i actually heaved a sigh of relief when the letter came to tell me my appeal wasnt successful. =x because this gave a hell lot of problems. i am just glad life is starting to stabilise.

and so. i am officially a freshie of ntu chem eng. :D v few nj ppl. i guess they all went to nus. i did feel some form of regrets at some point or other. but! that's because i hav overlooked the good things. i hav my best friend as a room mate, other classmates in ntu as well, staying hall. friends. and i can start anew man. nobody knows me in chem eng. haha.

haha. yeah. today was pre-camp. i am going for FOC next week. hope it's fun. today was kinda low. i felt weird too.. and as usual i was my shy quiet self. haha. the side of me that most people know. quiet, petite, kiddish (i never say cute but u can relate to that) haha. yeah. guys outnumbered the girls. seniors were super high. serious.

i wanted to go for the cultural activities club FOC too.. but it clashes with my ibn exit.. oh and i met ivy, my pri sch friend! i almost couldnt recognise her. haha. ok correction i din recognise her, she recognised me. =x

i feel so much happier on weekends. work's stressing. :(

and i bot a pair of sandals today. and i wanted to get a spag top. but giordano selling 3 for $29. but i dont need that many spag. anyone wanna share with me??? i doubt anyone will reply. ahha.

bought lots of other stuff too mostly food. :8P bought donuts for jh's family, ocha.. in return for all the dinners/clothing/bags. i know those donuts and all will never be enough.. but its the thought that counts right? :D and i forgot to buy ziploc bags. -.-

dance and korean tmr.

i love the GSS. whee. claire! we should go shopping tgt when u come back. although i bet you will buy more stuff than me. haha. even blogshops have GSS lor. but i still dont trust blogshops.

i am too lazy to upload photos. i have like a lot in my phone.. ok.. alot of zilian ones so actually quite little la. haha.

things i wanna do before school starts:
go fishing!
go sentosa!

i want to go travel. but h1n1 plus no leave. as such travelling plans (if there is even any in the first place) have to be shelved. next hol then. i want to go taiwan/hk/redang. omg i think redang is quite cool.

2009-06-26T11:08:00.001+08:00

boo. i'm tired. i banged my hand again today. :( i think its going to be paralysed soon. the muscles feel tense like 24/7.

okay. no early exit for me. boos. i really wanted to rest. its so tiring.................................................

i'm hungry. but i have no appetite. what irony.

precamp tmr. abit nervous. hahahaha. cos i don't know anybody.

plus i cant stay the whole camp which is damn sad because i cant take leave.

and i havent packed my bag for camp.

settled hostel applications finally.

blogging in one-liners because i dont feel like typing in paras.

haha. i want to go fishing!

my cousins went to Bottle Tree Park and caught a TON of fish. they spent a few hours there, 10bucks (catch all you can) no time limit.

shiok. i think i cant catch as many though. haha.

but no fish tank at home, so my xiaomei left her fishies at grandma's house. they fed some of the smaller fish to their lobster. poor fishies, being put in the lobster cage.

yesterday i took 3/4 day. wanted to go see the osteopath for my arm. chickened out bcoz i was afraid of pain. got my dad to be the osteopath.

and bought ice cream cake for yj and dad. yum.

2009-06-23T15:47:00.000+08:00

why.

i feel so stressed. everything is coming down on me, it's overwhelming. i dunno what to do. i feel so helpless. because there's nothing i can do. because i cant do anything.

its hard to put on a smile. that i stopped trying.

2009-06-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

hohoho. illhayo!!!! :( i am still working. boo. ot-ing. actually i realise i have been ot-ing everyday.. not leaving at 6pm sharp. haha. just lazy to move my butt. and its so quiet in the lab.. gee. scary. they say ibn is haunted. but i shall not think such thoughts.

haha. ok. ya. my thoughts were just wandering. wondering what uni will be like. whetehr i will become a changed person. whether my relationship can brave the next few months and years to come. sometimes i wonder what i am living for.

2009-06-17T09:53:00.000+08:00

oh my i seem like such a no-life person.. because i was too busy living my life to blog. ok. nah. just like usual. weekends running here and there crazily. weekdays in ibn, staring at my cells, and they always die on me. :(

hmmmm.. actually my life quite happening the past week. i failed my first driving test! geez. haha. and oh well. taking again on 22 july. hope i pass then. :D and and and.. oh. went for kbox outing with cheryl and sx. she havent send me photos. :( haha. but they are the best friends i have since primary school. since pri 5. and they noticed that my hair was rebonded. which means i didnt waste that 115 bucks. omg.. and i din noe k student is so hua! 17.50 = snack +drink+ sides per person. and for 5 solid hours. i think we all sang till we were out of breath.

and i finally bought my ipod nano at the PC Show. with lots of freebies. :) haha. but it was packed man. omg. but luckily we went during the dinner time period so the queue was not too bad. then we went shokudo for dinner. since we were around the area. haha. and we both bought jap curry, just that his was katsudon while i got the rosti. lol. v curry-ish. and i had the matcha latte. :P my fave!

on sun i went for my first korean lesson. went to the temple to pray in the morning before going down to cityhall. haha. the lesson was not bad. the instructor kept repeating that we dont have to write anything because speaking is more impt. haha. annyong haseyo. and my hp no is ku-yuk-ku-ee-il-pal-ku-or! haha. so long.

after which me and my family went to jurong point to shop and have dinner, early celeb for my sis/dad bday. haha. ate ichiban sushi. ate till we were so full. omg. then we went to walk walk around. sis bought a jacket and a skirt, while i got 2 tops. jp is so huge that we digested all our food while we went to jalan jalan.

haha. and on mon, i failed my tp test. not a big deal to me, but the cost of more lessons is scary. after that we went bakerzin for lunch. yay. the NY cheesecake is damn nice. i want more! initial plan was to watch Dance Subaru. but there were so so so so many ppl. so we rented Click! i wanted to watch it a lonnng longg time ago. so long that i cant rmb when. haha. it was not bad, quite funny. but a bit lame.

ok. that's all i guess. till then. sayonara.

2009-06-08T09:53:00.000+08:00

i was reading this book by Linda Howard, about a female physician in the late 70s, who was abducted by an outlaw so that she could heal his wounds, after which they developed love for each other. their love wasnt the main point. something else struck me.

i couldnt remember the exact quote. but it's about the hippocratic oath, that physicians do not judge the worth of an ill human being before giving him the benefit of their knowledge and skills. which means that even if the person was a wanted man, a doctor is bound by this oath to heal him. so i was kind of wondering.. whether i would heal someone like that. i mean i was fantasizing. not that i will ever had such a chance. perhaps my medical friends can think about this. yeh.. perhaps i would. perhaps i wouldn't. i guess i am principled enough. but things will change, when laws come in place, and i might face a criminal charge for helping a criminal. i guess? hmm..

anyway, i looked up on the hippocratic oath. and wiki gave this:

"I swear by Apollo, the healer, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath and agreement:
To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.
I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.
I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.
But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.
I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.
In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.
All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.
If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot."

hmm. i dun really understand the cut for stone section.. but that's the olden days version.. where physicians weren't allowed to practise surgery and euthanasia, pain relief etc were strictly against. the modern one is altered a little to fit into today's society..

1. To teach medicine to the sons of my teacher. In the past, medical schools gave preferential consideration to the children of physicians.[citation needed]

2. To practice and prescribe to the best of my ability for the good of my patients, and to try to avoid harming them. This beneficial intention is the purpose of the physician. However, this item is still invoked in the modern discussions of euthanasia.

3. I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan. Physician organizations in most countries have strongly denounced physician participation in legal executions. However, in a small number of cases, most notably the U.S. states of Oregon,[5] Washington,[6] Montana,[7] and in the Kingdom of the Netherlands,[8] a doctor can prescribe euthanasia with the patient's consent.

4. To avoid violating the morals of my community. Many licensing agencies will revoke a physician's license for offending the morals of the community ("moral turpitude").

5. I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art. The "stones" referred to are kidney stones or bladder stones, removal of which was judged too menial for physicians, and therefore was left for barbers (the forerunners of modern surgeons). Surgery was not recognized as a specialty at that time. This sentence is now interpreted as acknowledging that it is impossible for any single physician to maintain expertise in all areas. It also highlights the different historical origins of the surgeon and the physician.

6. To keep the good of the patient as the highest priority. There may be other conflicting 'good purposes,' such as community welfare, conserving economic resources, supporting the criminal justice system, or simply making money for the physician or his employer that provide recurring challenges to physicians.

this version's more complete i guess. Oath link

there is a suggestion for a hippocratic oath for scientists too.. interesting.

2009-06-03T16:14:00.000+08:00

haha. since my best friend wants me to blog i shall blog.

on sunday, when the consultant asked us if we knew korean, my dear friend said "konnichiwa!"

there. i have blogged. haha. :) a nice tribute no?

kk. serious. we went to enrol at Cambridge Institute for a basic Korean course. yep. and it is at Penisular Plaza, a place that doesnt smell fantastic, especially the first floor. jas says it smells like pee, i tot it smelt like poo, so it smelt like peepoo = toilet. ugh. but thankfully the learning centre didnt smell that bad. phew. and ya. nothing eventful except what i already mentioned. haha.

i am looking for fellow ntu chem eng ppl. :( so sad that i know no one.

oh back to sun. we went teo heng. and supposed to give jin yong a surprise cake. and guess wad happen. he didnt go toilet at all which spoils our plans. gee. anw we gave it uneventfully with no element of surprise at all :( in the end, after our katong laksa dinner. I just found out that katong laksa is eaten with spoons! k noob. and the otah was nice. yum.

erm... oh sat! sat we went back nj for dance prac. haha. it was an overall crazy day. though the speeches were long and boring, but there was donuts to keep us happy. haha. hanxie bought donuts for the juniors but it ended up as food for us. i think i shared like 3 with jun hong. omg. fat! but it was nice ya. i think i had a lot of donuts the past month. first was krispy kremes, flown from indo. then it was donut empire. now this. and each time i ate about 2 or so.. sinful. then we were supposed to go manhatten fish market at plaza sing for a bdae dinner with wanglao. but because we had to wait too long and jun hong wants to come my house to get my monitor, we had to go home early.. :( so we had pastamania instead. yumm i tried the clams and prawns pasta. i tink it's my new fave pasta. :) then trained home, ended up not giving away the old monitor cos it is really really old. its older than my grandpa. ok. not that exaggerating but it's at least 17 years old i guess.

danced on sun. they had a bdae celeb for wanglao but i couldnt go. :( but i wished him over the phone. :D haha. performance on 28, 29 aug. at i dunno where. oops.

ok. i am off to do my MTS assay. wheeha.. -.-

2009-05-23T20:44:00.000+08:00

long time since my last post. many things happened, some happy, some simply annoying. i as in a pmsy mood. :( and feeling super insatisfied with life. not good.

after labour day, the next time i met up with the girls was on class outing. :D and yes guess what the most popular topic is. what are u offered and wad are u accepting. i think it's time i faced it. well, i noe i don't show it. but i am disappointed. period. and it is just even harder when the people around me sound skeptical of my choice. what's wrong with ntu man. :( just wish that everything will stop and go away. blah.

photos on shangfei's blog.

the past week at attachment was pretty busy. but i like being busy. takes my mind off things. people at the lab is very nice and very friendly. enjoy the feeling of belonging. don't feel strange anymore.

i think i am the kind who needs time to settle down in a new environment. not good.

today i did a favour for my sis. and tgt with jun hong, we accompanied her to watch hc's dancenight 2009. to support her friend. see we so nice. haha just kidding. then after that i went northpoint to get a cake for mummy's birthday. and since i am so nice. i decided to pay for the cake. but i am broke. just withdrawed 50 bucks a few days ago. yesterday i think. OMG. what did i spend it on!

starting a new tuition assignment next week. money money money. :D

haha. i am in a i dunno what mood i am mood.

-.- going k next sun. cant wait!

2009-05-07T09:31:00.000+08:00

heyo. i haven't really blogged about the labour day cook-out. haha. the long weekend was really really long for me. because i was down with flu. i was on mc on mon, tues, thurs, and fri to sun was the weekend, and mon i stayed home because i havent recovered and i didnt want to spread the virus. so u see, it was a long week. haha. i am still coughing. ugh. i think the virus never really got eradicated cos it's passing around my family. but shangfei its not swine ok!

anyway, i realise the power of friends. having mk here at work greatly increased my happiness and work effectiveness. not that i wasn't efficient before. but i just work happier, knowing that i can go crap with someone later on instead of having to stone at the com. but i still dread mornings though, the bed is just too enticing. haha.
and for the past two days i became a chatty smiley girl instead of the blur and gloomy one last week. haha.

ok labour day! was a day of labour. literally. because the evil step family got together at clairebear's house to cook! photos at shangfei's blog. haha. i never had a thing for cooking, as much as i wan to be an endearing and skilful wife/mum in future. haha. i like to eat, but not cook. so anyway, my dish was steamed egg. which ended up really watery. actually i never knew that we are supposed to add so much water. i tot maybe just a bit. then i realise that the kind of steamed egg that they ate is the shui dan (water egg direct translation) that the nj caifan aunty sells. whereas the kind i eat at home is stuck to the plate and u have to scrape it out. i prefer the latter. haha. so anyway, the food was not bad for a first attempt. :)

on sat. i stayed home generally, except to meet jun hong for lunch and movie at amkhub. we watched 17 Again if i don rmb wrongly. zac efron looks hotter than he was in HSM. then he sent me home for dinner. we had a small tiff but it blew over. haha. and after that i felt like a meanie. so i decided to treat him to andersen's ice cream. i am nice k. :D haha. while i added the ticket stub to the box of letters and stubs and bus tickets, i counted and found out that together we probably spent close to $200 just watching movies. omg. haha.

sun was dance then to yishun lib for books. all of the libraries didnt have Angels and Demons. on loan everywhere. ahhh. so sad. so i decided to buy it. haha. i never fail to buy an expensive novel every year because of the harrypotter saga, but stopped after the last book came out. haha. so i guess it wont be too bad to indulge in a book right now. unless anyone can lend me????

heh. i have nth to do, but i think i will just kaypo with mk's stuff. haha. bye!

2009-05-06T09:07:00.000+08:00

Today i ate mk's mac breakfast. The premium coffee v bitter leh. The mac always want to cheat ppl's feelings, purposely say that the coffee is premium to earn another 50 cents. lala. po. tinky winky. dipsy.

Yup i'm not siao. It's the coffee's fault. It's so cold, i hab to sing to keep myself warm. HAHAHAHA.

i tink u guys can guess that the above is written by none other than the great mk herself. lol

2009-04-29T15:08:00.000+08:00

the past two days were probably the worst days i have had this year. feeling sick, tired, groggy and alone. in times like this, only my xiao mei is worthy of my mention. though a part of me knew that she just thinks that helping me ice-pack my head is a fun thing to do.. at least i think i know she cares. she's just so cute. she can be a nurse next time. haha.

i'm grateful for all the well-wishes. if only sms-es can heal, i would be up and kicking in no time. but sadly, no. so i spent tuesday sleeping & moping around. emotionally and physically drained. back to work today, feeling no more energetic. thinking of labour day gives no motivation at all. i just didnt have the strength to stare at plates with 96 wells, that makes my eyes go all blur and teary.

thinking of you makes my eyes go all blur and teary too. life keeps getting in the way. u ask me what's wrong.. i couldnt say. my feelings are in a knot. i cant bring myself to make things difficult for u. so i didnt say anything. i guess.

everything will be fine in 3 hours. just hope u don't make things difficult for me.

2009-04-25T23:42:00.001+08:00

woo. shiok. i think i enjoyed myself immensely today. :DD

yup. first was k session with claire and shangfei, after a very long time of abstaining from it. compared to them, because they sang like last week with other ppl. xP haha. but yea. and the next time we are meeting it will be the cooking session. oh man, i need crash courses. claire, u better buy fire and whatever insurance for the house. haha.

after that went for the post-syf party. i think it's really fun, and nice to gather around. though there were oni 4 seniors, namely me, aud, jh and yuanjie. i tink being around the juniors sort of make me feel young and old at the same time. haha. but it was really enjoyable, the catering was not bad and entertainment is never lacking with ppl like junhe around. as a senior, i guess i feel the distance yet the closeness. it's hard to explain. haha. but i really enjoyed the gathering. :D really thank them for inviting us oldies. haha.

but i felt really guilty at the long string of withdrawals that i made in my bankbook. it's like money always comes out but never in. haha. and my pay for apr can oni be collected on 21 may, tgt with may's pay. :( haha. money money money. my sis made a comment which intensified the guilt. after i showed her the top that i bought. haha. she said, "omg, u spend like there is no economic crisis." :x it's not that bad lor. i used to save up so much, it's time i spend a teeny bit of it. haha.

my gastric is back. =x i dunno why it always happens when i stay up too late out or something. always had that problem, especially in chalet. :s

2009-04-24T14:44:00.000+08:00

i guess anything that i say now will come across as ungrateful and unappreciative. but not saying anything will give that same impression. so why don't i just go and die.

i didnt mean to sound bitchy and unreasonable. yes. i bet i sound exactly just that. ugh. i am sorry. that i am such a tough nut to crack. that my moods are more erratic than erratic until u cant even fathom what i am thinking.

i am tired. and doubtful. insecurity? hmm, maybe. if it is making u so tired as well, why do we even bother.

sigh. i dont know.

2009-04-24T10:11:00.000+08:00

wednesday was a day riding high on emotions, of exhilaration, relief, and deep feelings. i had no idea why i was so overwhelmed really, because i wasn't the one having to face the heat of the competition. but i saw.. and felt. i dunno why such scenes just makes me feel gooey inside. haha. am really touched. and when everything ended with such colour and gayness, the feeling is really sweet, you can literally taste it.

back at ucc, memories are too overwhelming. aristal 08. syf. it's a place stock rich of memories of those dancing days. and to think i may not be back on that stage anymore. but i admit like canned food, we all have an expiry date. haha. and i guess mine is long due. but i am not going to ferment and spoil, i'll flourish in other ways. and yea. so i wasnt really listening to the dialogue session before the results were announced. but something came up somehow, filtered and went to my head. the point that the training and discipline during dance, will somehow or another shape the dancer's resilience to face any adversities in other aspects of life.

and that brought me thinking back to the medicine interview. am feeling all jittery inside. but i suppose no news is good news? i really want this. there hasnt been anything else in life that i yearn for so much. maybe perhaps getting into syf. i really don want to relive the disappointment. and i will be v lost as to where to move on from here. all these years. i realise that i have been steeling myself to disappointment, always putting myself in a position in a place where i will least be hurt, because i don want to be hurt all over again. but because of this, i don't have any strength to welcome hurt.

bleh.

on a lighter note. yesterday officially marks my last lesson for driving. it was a mock assessment and i passed it with 18 demerit points. =x bad. haha. supposed to be immediate failure, but my instructor was nice. =/ so i am not confident of booking for practical test. hmm. but then it will be a long wait till the next test date anyway, around early june. so i can still practise. really want to pass the first time. haha.

2009-04-20T23:14:00.001+08:00

i realise i only blog on weekdays. haha. weekends busy "patuo"ing, as wad most ppl say.

wont deny that. haha. yah, sometimes i feel thankful that my boyf doesnt have to book in and stay in camp for like 1 to 2 weeks. because then there will be someone to turn to when i feel upset, someone to laugh with over a funny joke. yet at times, i feel that there is nothing else to help strengthen the relationship. absence makes the heart grow fonder u see. and i admit there were moments when i feel that i am losing hold, i just get so used to be able to see him almost everyday and i guess i feel that i am taken for granted, and i am taking him for granted as well.

yup. went back nj on sat. feel really proud of the juniors. many of them improved a lot since i last danced with them, esp xin yan, dhriti, wen qing, and danni. :) yup. haha. and looking at them, i feel ashamed at myself, for i cant even do a split now. haha. after that went JP for a walk. then home.

sunday was dance as usual, felt really reluctant to crawl out of bed initially, but eventually i did. and there was oni 7 dancers that day. -.- and after that went to eat cavana chicken. i think it's damn nice. but something quite upsetting happened that day, which kinds of spoils the day but i don want to think or eve talk about it anymore. then theere was the monday blues..

haha. yeh. and my "babies" are dying. -.- my "babies" refer to the cells that i cultured. yeh. and today we worked with rabbit's blood. haha. i was staring at my blood filled gloves, then i had this vision of the Surgical Maniac. Creepy. ew. haha. but ya.. the rbcs had all perished, cos it's one week old, so they had all hemolysed. =x so we couldnt use the plasma/platelets for experiment. have to wait for fresh supply. i don't think they actually kill the rabbit for the blood la, don be alarmed. i think it's the remants from routine blood tests. u don't test every single drop of blood that is drawn from the body i guess. had lunched with the mentors. and found out that mk may be coming to our lab. hooray, that brightened up the day. :)

tomorrow's IBN open house for TP.. as students, we must help out. so will be lab guides for the day. haha. imagine a one week old newbie having to guide ppl.

cant wait for this week to end. i am counting down. i have no idea to what.

haha. anyway. i have a new wishlist:

1. to grow TALL
2. to go on a diet
3. tank tops
4. butterfly clips.

and no 3 cannot happpen unless no 2 happens.
so i hope i can get that 15 bucks tank at pepper pplus soon. wahoo.

k. i want to go sleep. nite nite!

2009-04-16T17:37:00.000+08:00

yea. i forgot to mentioned that i watched this movie. or did I? haha. hmm. i think the show is not bad la. not as "boliao" (unmeaningful) as jun hong says it is. haha. it's like modern day Noah's Ark. That's wad i feel. world ending, dictated by some unknown force. and selected people get transported into crystal vessels (resembling the Ark) into space. in the meantime earth was destroyed by some supersonic flares emitted by the sun, flooding earth with fire instead of water. yea. deep meaning i would say, but probably won't happen in real life. will be pretty scary if it did.

hmm, i will probably do the same thing as the male lead, go find my loved ones & spend the remaining few minutes with them.

haha. many many nice movies that i want to watch. there's 17 Again, Angels & Demons. Harry potter & the Half Blood Prince! i want to watch that!

2009-04-15T11:53:00.000+08:00

i want to slap myself, whack my head on the table. and basically engage in self destructive behavior. WHY? cos i did something really really stupid. so stupid that i dunno to laugh or cry. i thought 18 apr was 15 apr. so i deleted my driving lesson. ARGH. i was so so close to finishing the course and now my next lesson is in jun. dammit.

yea. and i am waiting for my experiment again. haha. just finish writing up my log book. its quite fun. it's like spa skill A+ B+ C lesser on the D i guess. and the biscuits in the pantry are quite nice. ;p but no lunch companion.. :(

ok. a belated post. so esf met up to have dinner at ichiban! haha. my first time there and the salmon cheese is VERY nice. haha. so we had the usual talk about anything under sun sessions. too bad mk couldnt come. and the next time we are meeting it will be K! yay.

okay. so i am quite starving now. -.-

till later then.

a side note:

i love the way you sleep like a pig every night and can even sleep while on the phone with me
love that you just don't know how to comfort me sometimes
but you always try
thank you for always trying to make me happy.
i really am. even though sometimes i grouch and grump.
thanks dear. for everything you have done,
from the warm hug that i need occasionally to all the letters and gifts.

haha. just a sentimental tribute.. we all have to let people know that we do care.. before its too late.

2009-04-14T14:53:00.001+08:00

hoho. i am waiting for my experiment to bake! haha. yes. research started yesterday. been pretty boring so far. and pretty lost and overloaded with information. eeps.

yesterday was safety training. and orientation stuff basically. my mentor is a phD post-doctoral fellow. *awed* yea. and basically i am doing medical related stuff, i don tink i am allowed to disclose. haha.

and ya. ok. i tink that's about all. i shall blog more when i reach home. it's kinda hard to keep alt-tab the windows. haha. blogging illegally. =x

2009-04-08T13:22:00.000+08:00

bleaghs. the questions and answers from the interviews just keep playing back in my head. and i can't stop wondering whether my answers were fine or not. =S ah. but it's over. so no matter wad life goes on. but i really want to get into medical school. sighs.

anyway. i lapsed into a my old self, the hate life the way it is now self. guess i was kinda upset that the research institute has not get back to me, and my attachment will probably be pushed back, if i even get it that is. ah. yeh.

i felt bad having to push away all the tuition jobs that steven tuition asked me to do. like they just somehow clash, despite so much free time on my hands. for eg, the first one was sun morning (i have dance). and the next is today just a relief lesson (but i have the essay test at nus). ya. so everything is just so "lucky".

and i really miss going to school. at least there's a purpose to life. pfft.

ok. something happy! i am getting so so close to getting a driver's licence. woohoo. the instructor estimated that i will take about 5 more lessons. whee. i really hope i can pass the first time round. i am still very bad at lane changing, need more practice. and i hope i get a manageable test route too. just found out that they used to use ping pong balls to see what route u get, but now its all randomly generated by the TP.

11/4 - 8.15
15/4 - 10.30
21/4 - 8.10
23/4 - 8.10
29/4 - 8.10
5/5 - 8.10

haha i booked an extra lesson just in case. i had to cancel like 6, because i pre booked extra lessons. and my, they cost a lot, all these lessons add up to 2k plus, i mean ever since i started driving.

i have so much time on my hands that my mind keeps wandering. and i cant believe i am actually studying PHYSICS. and i catch no ball really. ha! 2 years since i last touched it. my brain is rusting.

ok. gotta go continue cleaning up the war zone (my room). i tink i should at least try maintaining it this time round. lols. and i say the same thing everytime.

2009-04-06T11:43:00.000+08:00

haha. all thoughts running amok. in a state of demoralisation.

but oh well. i cant turn back time. god bless me.

2009-04-03T15:29:00.000+08:00

phew. home finally. was kind of demoralized after driving today. haha. made super a lot of mistakes.

hadnt slept or eaten well, so i was feeling moody. xP

just last year i remember mugging on bioethics for gp & bio. now i find myself having to dig out those information again. & researching for more. geez. i don't really know what to prepare. at times a thought will run through my mind, questioning me. & then i will feel lost for a while.

i think the past few days are pretty stressful, i'm practically dissecting myself up to study myself. i can answer math questions, chem questions, but i just cant answer questions asking about myself. i don't really know.

aiya. right now i just feel like a sediment in a sand storm, constantly being uprooted from a restful state & blown here and there.

bah.

geez.

2009-04-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

i just realise something stupid.. when i click on shangfei's name, it went to claire's blog. kept thinking that there was some weird problem, till i checked my template, and realised tt it was me who typed wrongly. ok. so just came to rant abt my stupidity.

oh and received ntu's letter of offer to chemical & biomolecular engineering. haha. din feel any excitement or sense of exhilaration. i guess i was expecting it bah. that feeling kinda scared me fo a while.. wondering whether i really wanted to take chem engine or not.

but i must commend the efficiency. i tot application ended like yest.\

ok i'm typing with one hand and on the phone w the other.. kinda tiring. lol. so bye.

2009-03-31T21:26:00.000+08:00

ok it has been such a long long time since i last posted. i am practically rotting at home everyday with nothing to do. or rather if people knew what i have been doing, they will probably think i am ridiculous..

ok, so i received a letter not too long ago shortlisting me for the medicine interview, and i have been preparing like mad ever since. Thoughts of it just cant seem to leave my mind, thinking about the setting sends shivers up my spine. its really too soon.. next mon. oh god help me. haha. please let me pull through. the research interview was a total flop, didnt like the feeling at all, cant imagine that it will be 7 times worse. but i guess i should be starting soon, haven't received their emails yet though. =x

the essay test is on next wed, wonder why cant we cant write on laptops, i swear i can think better writing on microsoft word. i dunno why but i just think better. haha. ok lets not talk about all this stressful stuff.

went out for dinner to celebrate my mama's bdae. haha. omg, today i had 2 shocking experiences, one of which i think will shock the rest of you too. ok. i felt like i was in a jack neo film just now at the coffeeshop eating. just a single "CARPARK LAI LIAO!", then there was a mad rush of people dashing for their vehicles, and poof the carpark was empty in a few seconds. it was damn fast. i pity the carpark attendant. =x haha.

the next incident was just just disgustingly gross. i stepped on a lizard, & its intestines came squishing out. I WAS BAREFOOT. oh my god, i am still feeling the trauma. honestly, i don care if a lizard or cockroach dash across the room in front of me, but it's something else when i am STEPPING on it. and yea.. i screamed of course. like a mad woman, i still cant get the feeling out of my bones. oh gross.

ok ok. better stop thinking about it. haha. went on an "Escape" date last weekend. after having been to genting theme park, escape is like peanuts. if it werent for my nebo price & the complimentary tickets, i would have felt that the trip was seriously not worth it. heh. thanks for the happy day, & the pink cap. :D i think i look okay in caps, even if it is pink. & oh the lady at escape theme park thought i was 16, & she almost didnt allow me to drive the go kart. HELLO. i am like on my way to getting a licence already ok. haha. oh then we went for a movie, cos apparently escape cant last the whole day, it lasted only 2 hours for us. lolz. we watched "Confessions of a Shopaholic". not too bad a movie. lots of nice clothes on screen. hahaz. Then i went shopping for my black pants. eventually, i managed to buy it. though it needs alteration cos i am too short. but i like the snug feeling at the waist, fits me to a t, if not for the length.

& speaking of driving. i am pleased at my progress. yippie. should be able to get it over & done with by may. whether i can pass the first time is another thing all together la. hahaha. but i am hoping i can pass the first time. but i guess if i really fail, i wont feel that sad. i might feel relieved, cos that's one less hazard on the roads. haha.

i am such a pig, eating & sleeping all day long. tomorrow is gonna be a busy busy day. settling my portfolio & submitting it to NUS. then there's driving. hee. after settling this portfolio stuff, i think i can relax a little & worry about the interview & the essay. should i fail (choy choy choy) haha, i am mentally prepared. of course i am not going with the mentality that i will fail, just harbouring the possibility. for once in her life, xiangjun may not always get her first choice. haha.
it isnt that i always get my first choice lor, its that i always choose within my means.

ok. gotta go drink my orange juice. a cup a day keeps the doctor (& the toxins) away. :)

2009-03-19T11:20:00.000+08:00

a few days ago, i stared at this space not knowing what to write. & this window closed along with all my other windows, that had youtube/nus/ntu/random websites. haha. and i just realise that the last post was on friday the 13th.

weekends were spent at nus/ntu open houses. a fruitful trip in my opinion. :) this is because of shangfei & xiuwen's sisters. they made the open house much more personal instead of the corporate "selling" style that it would have been. well. saw the universities in a new light. & i realise it's not all hip & high as it appears on those promotion videos. i must say i think both hostels look decent & pleasant to me. really. except that if i am going to nus, i probably won't be staying in the halls. mainly because of the fact that i have to sleep alone or with someone i don't even know. if i am going to ntu.. i'd probably stay if i can find a roommate. haha. ok blame myself for being a scaredy-cat. but i don't trust myself to overcome this fear that easily.

hmm. have been stressing over courses/schools. parental pressure is subtle yet present. it's like they say "i am not stressing you" but drop so many hints with comments like "oh.. have u applied for this this this scholarship?" & "nus is really better than ntu"(which is a v myopic statement imo) & although i don't take them seriously, but it is somehow affecting my decision making process.. =x because i care about how they feel about my choice. & i know choosing nus over ntu won't kill me.

blah. ok ok. but i guess i am more or less decided. just that i really really wish for life to settle down. haha. omg. sounds like i wan to get married & have a family. i mean university life. all these uncertainties now is horrible. it's like i wont know whether i am up to it or not or what the course is like until i am in it right?

well. mon & tues, went driving lessons. those last minute book one. hahah. trying to last minute book for today. but no slot. :( hope other ppl quickly cancel. tue was auto lesson. omg. it's really v easy, makes me regret not taking auto. :( it's like u don't have to care abt the stupid clutch. & stopping on the hill wont make u roll back. & i even went up to 60km/h. & the instructor took me to try the ramp. & he was stunned that i could control my vehicle as though i have done it before. haha. & tried the S course (which he asked me to just drive intuitively.. never even teach me technique, just "ping gan jue") & the crank course. haha. a relaxing lesson. he just reminded me to remember abt the clutch in my next manual lesson. which i hope is today.

wed went for my first day of work. at suntec.. for the food fair. it was... haha. kinda sian. abit of screw ups. like the first cup of drink was so damn saturated.. it was like drinking pure orange syrup. pity the first customer. & the chicken chop was so damn salty. but otherwise everything else was great. the peking duck roll is damn nice man. haha. tested one piece. which is otherwise worth 1 buck? the whole box of 6 costs 6 bucks. but still got people buy. & then towards the end of the shift, there was a lot of price cuts.. & free drink. cos nobody buy. honestly, if i attended the food fair, i wouldnt buy too. cos there were so much nicer food out there. there was katong laksa, nyonya cuisine, thai sharksfin, kueh pietee, pie kia, satay, otah.. the list is never-ending. but because of the poor response, i didn't have to go for work today & tmr.

ahh. got lesson! haha i am in luck. but i had to cancel one of my apr lesson to book for today's. -.- i tink i am crazy. suddenly having second thoughts.. -.- but aiya since cancelled already.. =x feeling the pinch.. maybe i should have gone private. it's really heartwrenching lor.. it's like spending 2000 plus just for driving. i better pass the 1st time. :( although i don pay for myself la.. hmm.. & my uni fee. i feel that i am a hard person to maintain. :x & thinking of my unemployed situation now.. ah.. i want my scholarship! hmm.

i should take more tuition classes. & stop being a lazy bum. but nobody to tutor. i don wanna tutor own relatives, it's like earning my own people's money.. hmm.. but i feel less bad, because besides my driving, i'm currently living off myself, not that i have much to spend anyway. i shop like once per year.

2009-03-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

i am in such a mess. my brain is such a gooey mess.

i think i need a change. i need a total makeover, inside out. to stop hiding in my tortoise shell, and to go all out to pursue a dream, any dream.

i realize how bad it is. to be a person without dreams. it's worse than being a person who has dreams but just can't get them. i have results that many will covet for.. i feel as if i don't deserve these results. they should go to those people, who have goals, who have ambitions to fulfill, and all they need is just a little something that will open doors for them.

whereas i am here in a room revolving around open doors. but i just refuse to set my heart on that one door. i am still in a mess thinking of what a future i want, at this point in time, i feel so useless. why am i so afraid to just decide on what i want? it's not like i refuse to think. perhaps it will be easier to not think so much. i just don't want to have any regrets.

sigh. scholarships are for people who are really set on their life path, not for people like me.

i want to be able to impact other people's lives, i don't want to be a self-centered monster, or a cowardly tortoise who is afraid of going out & meeting people. its hard to change, but i swear i am going to try.

2009-03-10T12:45:00.000+08:00

aloha.. that's hawaiin for hello. haha. i heard that from hi-5 just now. oh my goodness. i simply have too much time on my hands, to spend it watching okto. actually i just happen to prefer watching okto than those super ancient tv programmes on channel 8, in which the images are so blurry and fuzzy & their dialogues are dubbed.

ya. so after such a long wait, results came & went. the anxiety during the whole lot of speeches. didnt really noe wad to expect, was worried about certain subjects. but eventually it all came & went. & now here comes the problem of deciding which course, which uni.. omg. the thinking never seems to cease.

oh bother. ok so i fell ill on sunday, how timely. so i didnt really put much thought in wad i want to study. have made some general decisions before the results were released. but now comes the time of really deciding. oh man. "spoilt for choices" would fit the bill now. there are simply too many options for study, be it local or overseas. & totally aggravated by my fickle minded personality. ah. man.

my brain is a lump of tissues now, nothing seems to be connecting. -.-

i guess i really regret not working hard for gp. i admit i really flop it. -.- haha. not caring to read the news at all, not even bothering to read up on the readings and all. i guess. so i am trying to make sure my sis don't follow my path, to make up for what i didnt do for myself, i suppose, just to feel a bit better. & so she shall be the scholar, for i feel that i have slim chances of getting any. lol. with my profile like that, it wont be easy.

i feel like i am at a crossroad with so many paths, most of which have no u-turn signs. oh man. its all ahead now. time just cannot "u-turn" no matter how much i wish it can.

2009-03-04T10:35:00.000+08:00

what is it about a period that makes a woman so bitchy?
it's not that we get bitchier, it's that having a period makes us all tired and achy that we have less tolerance for the crap that we normally suffer in silence.

i read that from a book. and i can relate. =/ what is it that makes us get all prickly over stuff that we normally wouldnt have bothered about? or rather stuff that bugs us just that we refuse to address it. i wouldnt say suffer, that will be a little bit extreme.

sigh. all i ask for is understanding.

i guess i cant expect all my boyfriends to be psychologists. no matter how much i wish they are, and one that specializes in my type of psychology. -.-

ah heck.

going to waste my time away. bye.

2009-03-03T12:42:00.000+08:00

my second day of being officially unemployed. wondering if i should go find a job. yet i dread trying to find yet another meaningless job. staying at home has its pluses. you don't have to spend that much. free food at home, free of msg also.

i haven't been doing much. no i shouldn't say that. i did alot actually, stuff that i have been wanting to do for ages but i just haven't gotten down to actually doing them. I went jogging, i was surprised that i could rip myself from the blanket. but yea i did. then i came home & did housework. :) and went to teach tuition. that wasn't a bad first day of being jobless. haha. but today was just.. haha tv and tv. no more housework to do. plans to jog was thwarted by the heavy rain. super humongous. -.-

& prepared tuition materials. going to use the com for a while before i leave to go for my driving lesson. my 5 th lesson i think. had 3 instructors so far, but i thought that only 1 of them taught ok. my progress is still pretty slow i guess. =/ i seem to have more confidence on the road than in the circuit which is weird, because most people are the other way round.

actually i dunno wad to feel. haha. having mixed feelings. half of me enjoy this stay home and rot feeling, while part of me feel that its a waste of time. no friends to hang out with either, cos all of them are working. so it's really me & just me. would really love to go shopping sometimes, but i hate going alone. but i don't think i wanna get another job & delude myself that i am actually learning something, but hey, what am i actually learning?

what's the fluster with growing up? why the urgency to get out there to slog our asses off for other people? :(

anyway, i guess i have decided to just stay home just for this month, at least till A level results are released. before i actively go & get a job. am waiting for the interview for research attachment anyway, and if all goes well, i hope i get it. then i will really be doing something meaningful.

getting the jitters about the results. haha. nonchalent as i may seem. but i am really worried. =x i am afraid i guess. of disappointment, horrible feeling. :S

2009-02-25T11:39:00.000+08:00

actually i really have nothing to say. i guess u dont either. i am not surprised. what's there to talk about anyway?

went to my mama house ytd evening for dinner. really had a bloated dinner. there was curry fish head, lots of veggies (i like), and butter fried prawns. sounds like some zi char dinner, but it was cooked by my papa. oh and the soup is yummmm. and i was really really full. and then we just stoned around watching tv. and i was surprised at my crazed outburst at the variety show. i think i am mental.

i have nothing to say.

nothing at all.

2009-02-24T16:24:00.000+08:00

i am in one of those "i woke up on the wrong side of the bed" moods again. recently, i have been in a mental and emotional battle with myself. at times, i am really genuinely happy. but sometimes i can laugh but really feel like crying. nothing is wrong with my life, nothing wrong with my relationship. but i just don feel satisfied. i probably just hate this kind of a lifestyle. i realise i really have a strong inertia towards major changes. i am ok with small changes like my hair style or whatever. but if u want me to change myself, for example to stop dreading work and take it positively, i really take a long time to adapt. Honestly, even during this last week of work i still cannot start loving coming to work, or at least stop hating it enough to drag myself out of bed early. i managed it yesterday.. and today it is the same thing all over again. was really pissed off with the cupboard door, which fell. it is not the first time it came off. and the mess in the wardrobe. it's packed with all the clothes that i will NEVER wear, even at home. i wonder why it is still there. ugh.

And its not like i love being a pig. but whenever i organize the cupboard, it just becomes back to square one again. and my mum's constant nagging about keeping the clothes is not helping. i know it is very ungrateful of me to grouch about this. but i just aiya, i don't understand the flow of things done in my household. there's no fixed routine. everything is just done haphazardly. no chores assign, we do things when we feel like it. which probably explains the state of the house. and for god knows how many new years we have been trying to change all this, but it is never successful. i think we need zhong qing to come and help us, just like how they help ppl in the variety program to clean up the house.

ok i just spent the whole entry complaining. but i am really really envious of people who have nice clean and spacious houses.

i realise it's not the cupboard door that pissed me off this morning. but it is really myself that i am pissed with. the cupboard door just happen to be something i could blame. oh man, i really hate this.

an inferior complex, that is what i hate most about myself. it's really time to move out of my comfort zone.

did something radical, at least for my standards it is radical. i am just hoping for once, things will really go my way. i really should stop living in self denial and stop thinking too much. no more As to mug and fret over, yet i dont noe what the hell i am so uptight about.

have u ever felt so bad about your appearance that you just want to crawl back into bed?
have u ever stood squashed like a tuna in the mrt and gripping your hands to will yourself through the journey?
have u ever heard voices in your head arguing but u just want to shut them up and go to sleep?
have u ever felt so happy that u doubt that this happiness is a delusion?
have u ever stared at the ceiling and toss and turn in bed but just cannot sleep, even if u are really v exhausted?

on a lighter note, driving yesterday left me with another sense of accomplishment. went out on the road. :) great experience, though i really have to brush up on my braking. haha i always stop too far off or overshoot the stop line. looking forward to the next lesson. which is tomorrow. hope that i am not over-rushing things. but i have heard of friends who take like 2 lessons in a row in a day. so i guess i am pretty ok?

2009-02-22T20:50:00.000+08:00

haha ok i spent the last few minutes trying to think of a nice way to begin this post but everything just comes out very very cheesy.

met up with the girls yest, i was late because of the stupid 961. went nj in the morning for dance prac, am rather impressed by the syf item, wang da's choreography never fails to awe me. really wish them all the best for this year's syf. yup, next time i go i shall wear gong ku hahahaha. seeing them really makes me feel like moving my fat ass too.

yah so i rushed down to party world and was late for 1 hour. --" well. then we had this surprise bdae thing for xiuwen. :) haha. the ktv ppl came in with the cake and they inserted the happy birth day song in the song list. :) an early happy birthday. i believe she is really surprised. haha. >< so we sing, sang and sung. till my throat became hoarse but i am actually ok now, can sing still.

haha. photos on face book.

went for dance this morning and think i am really a lousy dancer.

2009-02-20T13:44:00.000+08:00

haha. i am really supposed to be studying my ftt now. but somehow i seem to be slacking. -___- the test is at 430! and its 2 already. eeps. haha. anyway, last minute hug buddha leg oso no use right..

ok so i took the day off and today i am slacking. spent the whole morning sorting out my photos. saw many pics of evil step family, mostly of meikwan. HAHA. speaking of which i am such a blurdo. i kept thinking the outing in on sun on sun.. then i only just realised its tml! -.- so i guess that settled my weekend plans.

yah and since i am going to be jobless soon, i hope to achieve some things during my unemployment period. haha.

1) i should organise and synchronise all my mp3es in all the laptops in the house. its such a mess i don even noe which com to go to if i want to listen to a particular song. --"

2) print some of the nicer photos soon and compile a nice 2008 album. (that really sounds impossible)

3) clear my wardrobe. its a warzone. -.-

4) drive!

5) find more tuition. since i am jobless should have time to commit. haha.

6) would really want to find someone to attend a dance course...

seems like the above is in order of possibility, the first one being the most achievable. -.- haha. ok no 4 is out of place. haha. since i have already book lessons for the first half of march. hope to learn before august when ssdc will move to woodlands. cos that will mean a new driving test route and no that is not what i want. especially if i have practised most of it at yck.

the dear little boy that is a testimony to the phrase love at first sight..

cute little zhen yang. :D my face looks fat next to his. -_-

haha ok so there were a couple of photos that i "dug up". one was taken seriously long ago.. the other at cdac chalet just last year dec.

the two people that have made my sec4 life easy to pass. been a long time since i've met up with naomi actually. haha. and i must thank jas for being there all the time, sorry i forgot to call u the other day, haha. i believe u arent as ji chou as u claim to be right. :D

my first driving lesson!!!!!!!!

2009-02-16T10:33:00.000+08:00

tonight's my first driving lesson. haha. feeling excited yet not sure of what to expect. hope my instructor is a really nice person. :/ for that i shall try and enjoy my work here today.

well, a very very belated happy valentines' day to all.

my vday this year was.. different i suppose. haha. lesser people around, not with friends, but with family and bf. am really touched by the bouquet of "fake" roses that jh made, just because i said i don like real flowers cos they will eventually die off. and the card, the photo album and the mickey mouse heart. initially we had intended to go back nj for dance, but seems like a lot of people weren't going back, so we changed our plans. went to his place first, cos he claims that carrying the gift around is rather inconvenient. haha. when i reached, he was still busy making the present, and refused to allow me up. -.- so i played with his nephew, baby Daryl, at the playground. Daryl is really cute. He's quite shy? haha, he only plays with you only if you have treats for him, like ice cream. and he finally remembered my name!

so he finally finished the present and let me up. -_- thanks. haha. well, his mum and sis helped. but i was pleased nonetheless. but the shirt i got him was too humongous. :( so we have to get it changed at northpoint again someday. bleh. played with Daryl. haha. then we went for lunch and headed for suntec city for 'Let's Talk NTU 2009'. haha. poor him had to sit through all the talks when he is already considered a student of NTU. -.- sorry. i didn't expect my parents to be unable to make it for the earlier talks. the talks left me pretty unsettled again, questioning myself about what i really want. :x

ahh. oh well, after that dinner with my parents. it was haha a bit weird, cos it's a first time. and i had no idea that my dad was such a shy person! he didn't say anything to jh, except kept smiling. 0.0 haha. my mum was like always, with lots to say. haha.

anw, i am going to be jobless soon. in about er 2 weeks. i'm not sure whether i feel happy or sad. i feel happy that i do not have to wake up early and get bored at work. but i feel sad because i will definitely feel like a bum at home and not feel like going anywhere or getting anything done. and also, the lack of money. :( not that i spend wad i earn anyway.

feel sleepy everytime i open my theory book. but its like omg less than a few days away. its this friday. :x sianz.

had no appetite recently, no idea why.

dance ytd left me with a sore ankle and a bruised esteem. feeling inadequate. i think i dont dance well at all.

but i am really hungry now! i wanna eat fried bee hoon/carrot cake. i miss the good old weekend breakfast we used to have at home.

2009-02-13T17:22:00.000+08:00

You See the World Through Green Colored Glasses

You live your life with generosity. You feel like your life is abundant, and you are very giving toward those around you.
You judge all your interactions through the lens of harmony. You figure you have something to learn from everyone, and you listen well.

You face challenges with a persistent attitude. You can see the prize at the end of the road, and you have the strength to get there.
You see love as the utmost expression of self-esteem. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.

At your worst, you are greedy and selfish. You love money more than you'd like to admit.
You are happiest when you are in nature. You appreciate the feeling of balance that being outdoors brings you.

What Color Glasses Do You See the World Through?

i am feeling nostalgic. i was reading my old posts on blogger. and i realise.. how time really flies. how much i have changed. and yes, how i wish things could have been different. that's besides the point.

i wish i could have been there when you felt like nothing can ever make u smile from deep within. i wish i could have been there to make things all better. while i really hope that one day u will share those darkest moments with me, i know that it is never the same as going through them together. somehow, i would rather you not tell, so that you never have to relive those memories. i am sorry i cant understand, because i have never been through anything like it myself. my moments of depression were probably peanuts to you. but from now on, come what may, i really hope to make life better for you, and for myself. :)

its really time to move on.

Black friday

2009-02-13T15:24:00.001+08:00

i guess there is this superstition that friday the 13th is unlucky. but this friday is different because of the vday mood in the air. it is definitely different in the office than at school. i can imagine that the school is bubbling with gifts and everyone is celebrating this unofficial holiday. if i recall, my last valentines' day was.. haha. i rather not discuss. brings back some memories that are uncalled for.

ok since its black friday, shall talk about my phone which fell into the toilet bowl. the good thing is that my dad let me use his new lg touch screen phone. the bad thing is i still prefer my old phone. haha. all my contacts are gone lor, in the sony phone. and the worse thing is sony mem card cannot be used in lg phone, so my music is all gone too. please be kind and send me your numbers pleeease... haha.

and since i have no more mp3 to listen to, i have been listening to 933 the whole day. and they are spamming love songs and duets. nice. :) and emo songs too, they claim it is for people who are single/people who just broke up/people who are in an unhappy relationship.

i just finish YOUR present. you better give me the look of surprise ok?! haha. at least pretend that you are surprised. haha.

just sing me ni shi wo zui shen ai de nu ren, i will be satisfied. haha. just kidding. where got so easy to please??

and my dept is pro-ness. have already 3 people who are on leave! whatttt it's like their leave is free.

i cant wait to go home!!! but there's tuition tonight. ;( will miss the engineering show.

feeeeeeefiiiiiifooooofummm.

ok i am bored, was being random.

*yawns* shall go read my final theory. bleaghs.

2009-02-12T11:25:00.001+08:00

wow. i am blogging everyday. i realise i am counting down everyday to the time to knock off. and i still have 7 hours to go for today. :( sad. i cant wait for the end of this contract, i'm looking forward to 1 march. actually 27 feb.

such counting down will only serve to make the work here more miserable. =x so i tink i should get something else to look forward to. hmmz.. weekends are coming soon. this sat is valentines day. haha but no i am not going out, going for the ntu talks at suntec city. so we are having a belated vday celebration on sun instead. cant wait to see the look on his face when he sees his gift. wahhaha. but i am really no good with secrets, so many a time i really felt like giving it all away. -.-

looking forward to every dance lesson now. without homework to rush, exams/tests to study for, seems like dance is much much more enjoyable, and i dont dread travelling all the way to little india and climbing the small hill for dance lessons. i really wish to push my limits as to how much more i can improve. my flexibility has already plunged.. ridiculously, till the point that my first dance lesson resulted in a full blown body ache. haha. but surprisingly the 2nd lesson wasn't as bad, i guess the focus of the lesson was lifted from stretching.

the next thing i really am looking forward to is my first driving lesson! haha. i have been only reading all the theory parts of driving, like what to do to move off, stop etc. that i really want to have a go at stepping those pedals. haha. i guess whether i can master the technique of driving also boils down to whether i can co-ordinate my limbs. haha. 6 years at dancing may not have given me the neccessary skill i must say. haha.

i am not looking forward to my final theory test which is next week as well. *gulps* i feel rather ill-prepared.

tuition lesson tmr night. and i have yet to prepare any materials.. uh oh.

and i really wish that the year can kickstart officially soon. hope to be able to settle down and be a nerd. (8-D) haha. no. thou shall not be a typical njcian when i go uni.

and i made my first cpf contribution! even though it is just 150 bucks. lolz. which also implies that i am 150 bucks short of spending.. boos.

am feeling a hole in the pocket. what with vday coming up. ><

2009-02-11T15:50:00.000+08:00

i feel like i am doped. been feeling like i am in an econs lecture the whole day. cant believe i can actually doze off while playing with my pet in pet society.

no idea why. i am feeling far away from civilisation. yet the irony is that i am in the CBD now. had mac's for lunch. :s noo the fats are going to pile up. 2 hours a week for dance is simply not enough to get rid of them. -.-

it is really nearing results release day. (sorry for the stark reminder) but i havent really settled down in something that i want to do in future. cant really differentiate the dreams from the reality. many half-hearted decisions, but nothing that i can do without my results. really see no point in dreading it, no matter what it is, it cant be changed. i hate being stuck but not knowing where to move on from here.

it is like i am at a crossroad with a thousand paths, not knowing which to take. not knowing my results is like me wanting to move on but my tyres are flat. even if i had any idea which path i want to take.

bah. my trip back to nj was... not what i expected. pfft.

no ties, nothing to hold me back. i really should move on and stop thinking about my stupid past. wish someone can give me a hard whack on my head and make me lose all my memories. why do they only give mengpo soup to people who have already passed on?

i'm wishing for a new lease of life.

2009-02-10T02:31:00.000+08:00

i just decided to shift. i really had no idea why.

anyway, insomnia is overwhelming me again. got woken up by an insect bite, and i have been awake since. rather i doubt i even slept at all. :x blah.

so it is 2.32 am and i am here blogging. to pass time. hoping that staring at the com might help me sleep better. can already feel the eye bags. eeps.

things just kept flitting through my head. memories. mostly unpleasant ones. pleasant memories don't keep people awake. i think i am really a lousy person. am i? i know there is a problem somewhere, a knot in my heart. but i just cannot figure out what. i am pretty lost.

what kind of person am i exactly. different people tell me different things. i guess the bad thing about having a boyf is that he tells you u are great no matter wad. and somehow i am living in self denial that i am an okay person.

i guess if i want to rank myself, i would put myself as below average. =/

i need a sleeping pill. i am feeling so damn tired. but i just cant sleep. and the tears just keep falling.

ah. even the air con timed out. everyone and everything is asleep now. except me.

oh man, i dread tomorrow morning, i doubt i can even manage to climb out of bed.

2009-02-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

I decided to shift. No reasons, i just felt like it.